In one of my personal development seminars, we had a highly successful businessman in the class. Max didn’t enroll in our personal development class to further his business; he was there to save his marriage. He shared with me that although he was worth millions because of the financial empire he’d created, his wife was ready to kick him out. He came to the personal development seminar in hopes of avoiding a divorce.
I’m sure most of us know someone who has achieved financial success, yet their personal lives are a mess.
The real Key to achieving quality in our lives is the ability to create positive, lasting relationships. Only then are we really able to Win at Life.
Destructive Thoughts are powerful. They PREVENT us from having successful professional and personal relationships.
Destructive Thoughts break down communication, fracture families, and cause physical illness. These thoughts are like the black oil gushing from the broken pipe line in the Gulf. They suck the life out of everything in its path.
So why are we even discussing destructive thought patterns? Because we think this way!
These patterns are formed when we are very young and become deeply ingrained in us. You might think of them as our Default thinking program.
The 1st of the 3 destructive thought patterns is RESENTMENT.
1) Resentment is any negative emotional reaction to what we think has been said or done.
- It shows up as anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy, and hate.
What happens when someone cuts you off in traffic or your teenager talks back to you? What do you feel when someone you love dies at the hands of a drunk driver?
When I harbor Resentment, I’m exhausted, my health will eventually suffer, and my aliveness is displaced. Resentment feeds on my life energy, even when my resentment is justified.
These feelings are a natural part of life, unless we are completely numb to emotions or dead. Yet the way we handle resentment can turn our life around,
Now for the 2nd Destructive Thinking Pattern. The 2nd R!
Let’s do a little visual exercise. Pretend for a moment that you have both of your hands up in front of you. A person stands facing you with their palms placed against yours. Are you with me?
Now the person facing you begins pressing against your palms. You feel the pressure of their hands, their forearms…. WHAT DO YOU DO?
Well, most of us would say, “I’d push ‘em back!” That’s what we do naturally.
Similarly, when someone comes against us emotionally, and we feel threatened, we PUSH BACK.
2) Resistance is the cutting off of communication or putting up a wall.
Basically, it’s when we shut down. It can happen in a blink of an eye.
Ladies, what if someone told you that you looked sickly in your new beautiful green outfit? What’s your immediately response? Many of us would stop talking to that person. “Who does she think she is, anyway!” You know, give ‘em the silent treatment! We’ll go to great lengths to avoid Ms. Fashion Critique.
Think of when someone makes fun of your business. They say, “That’s a scam.” No matter what you say to them, they belittle you.
Do you go into resistance by avoiding Mr. Know-It-All or would you push back with attitude? You know that hot-under-the-collar type of attitude.
RESISTANCE shows up when we have a problem at home and we bury ourselves in our work to avoid dealing with it.
OR we watch hours of mindless TV so we don’t have to have those difficult conversations.
Did you realize that even Confusion can be a sign of resistance? It shows up when we want to avoid making a decision.
The cost of Resistance is a lack of intimacy, problems are not resolved, and we live a life of isolation.
So here’s the question: Where are you in RESISTANCE in your life?
The third Destructive Thought Pattern is REVENGE.
3) Revenge is the ATTEMPT to get even or to settle the score.
Sounds rather ominous, doesn’t it? Like something out of a movie about a love triangle.
Deep down we’re saying, “I’ll show them.” We withhold love and affection. We spread negative gossip. We undermine. We sabotage.
REVENGE is acted out in businesses across our nation as employees commit theft and fraud. What about all those company ink pens and highlighters that end up in your desk at home? That’s employee theft.
Subtle acts of revenge may be excessive eating, or withholding my love. Even giving up on my dreams or not supporting someone else’s dreams, can be Revenge.
The 3 R’s are self-destructive. You may not notice any consequence at first, but they definitely have a high cost. They hurt YOU.
So, here are some QUESTIONS.
- Who or what are you resisting?
- What resentment do you carry with you on a daily basis?
- Where are you trying to get even?
- How much energy are you putting into self-destructive actions?
We don’t change our behaviors until we see the high cost or price of our behavior. Most of the time, we simply remain in denial. We avoid looking deep within because it hurts to accept it. However, by acknowledging the places in our lives where we are in the 3 R’s, we can begin to reduce or eliminate it from our lives.
One of the greatest helps to avoiding being sucked down under by the 3 R’s is to live a life of GIVING. Be an outrageous giver of your love, your time, your energy, and your money. Will this fix every relationship? Probably not. But your investment will reap huge rewards.
Want to win at LIFE? Stay out of the 3 R’s.
Concepts from “If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be SKINNY, RICH & HAPPY” by Brian Klemmer.
Your friend for life,